Falling Apart
“Sometimes good things fall apart so better things could fall together.” - Marilyn Monroe.
I don't do a good job at keeping together sometimes. I do not do a good job at falling apart either. Sometimes I keep things bottled up and I don't let it drain like needed. When I don’t let it drain, I end up popping the top and spewing hard words or emotions everywhere. Sometimes I end up saying or doing things I regret.
Sometimes falling apart is the best option to do. I get to a breaking point where all I do is let out a river of emotions. Usually all at the same time. I get mad and sad and start crying. This happens to me during worship too.
I have felt like over the past three years, my life has fallen apart just because of medical reasons. First being misdiagnosed by a doctor that I thought I trusted and now I don’t even like to hear his name. I blame him for a lot even though I know it is not his whole fault.
I have had a difficult time processing all of the medical events that I have been through for the past three years. My life has changed drastically and not in the best way that it could. Yes, some things have been wonderful like marrying my husband and now creating a life with him so we can grow old together and I can annoy him for the rest of my life. But, other things have caused a lot of pain. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, and depression just to name a few.
When I thought my life was coming to an end, it was just the beginning of God’s story to come alive through me. Like said above, sometimes the bottle of emotions burst and I feel all the emotions I can at the same time during worship. This can be any time that I am worshiping but most of the time it is while I am in church. I become a blubbering mess.
God has given me my life to live for and through Him. I do fail and fall short every day because I am not perfect and God knows that. There is a quote, “When God created you, He already factored in your stupidity.” I find that quote very comforting. We think just because we fail, we should give up. We think we have run out of the chances for God to put us back together after we come to Him broken. No, that is not the case. God is always willing to put us back together no matter how many times we screw up and no matter how badly.
So, when it seems like life is falling apart, maybe it is coming together for the betterment of ourselves and for God’s story that will be told through us. I felt like my life was falling apart and being ripped at the seams because so much was happening and changing at one time. I am still here to tell my story. For some reason, you are here to be reading about my story.
Stay strong. Life will eventually fall back into place after falling apart. It takes time to put a puzzle together. So many shapes and sizes that could fit one way or another. Or the colors look the same. Just hold on. There is a song by Stellar Kart called Hold On and it makes me think it is a good way to end this. It is a reminder that no matter how bad life can get, God is holding on to us.
“I am all around you and I see
Everywhere you see I am everything
You believe
If the stars don't shine tonight
And tomorrow forgets the light
Hold on.
Hold on to me.
You are loved completely
You mean everything to me
You will always be here with me
With everything you have
Hold on to me.
Don't be afraid I'm here to stay
If your hope is running dry
And your dreams have waved goodbye
Hold on.
Hold on to me.”
The storms of life can be rough, hold on to Jesus. He is our rock and anchor in the rough seas of life.
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