HOPE: Hold On, Pain Ends

The Weight We Carry

Mental health is so important. The weight of everything that happens each day can add up and sometimes feel like too much to handle. In this busy life, we need to remember to slow down and take a breath.

The hardest part is knowing that I am not the same person I was before everything happened. But I am working toward becoming a new and better version of myself. The old Marcie is gone, but the new Marcie is still working toward the good.

A Life Rewritten

I’ve had a difficult time processing all of the medical events I’ve been through over the past few years. My life has changed drastically, and not always in the best ways.

Yes, some things have been wonderful—like marrying my husband and creating a life together so we can grow old side by side (and so I can annoy him for the rest of my life). But other things have caused a lot of pain.

Over the past five years, it feels like my life has been defined by medical issues. My first major surgery was in 2019 when I had my gallbladder removed, and more problems have appeared since then.

Diagnoses I’ve faced include:

• Necrotizing Fasciitis (flesh-eating bacteria, now dormant)

• HS (Hidradenitis Suppurativa)

• PG (Pyoderma Gangrenosum)

• PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome — adrenal, inflammatory, insulin-resistant types)

• PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)

• Anxiety and Depression

It’s a lot for one person. Especially when it all comes at you in such a short amount of time.

The Silent Battle

Suicide is not a subject people like to talk about, but it happens every single day. While I’ve never thought about harming myself, I have thought about the world without me. Those thoughts have been with me since high school, maybe even middle school.

What I don’t like is when people listen to the harsh, negative voices rather than the gentle, caring ones. I was a mess. I still am a mess—but now, maybe a slightly more organized one.

I’ve asked myself questions like:

• “What if Randy didn’t have to take care of me?”

• “What if my parents didn’t have to go through this with their daughter?”

• “Why are my friends still friends with me when all this negativity keeps happening?”

All the “what ifs” and “whys” played through my mind.

Finding Purpose in the Pain

As strange as it may sound, I’m grateful this happened to me and not to someone else. I’ve been blessed with a strong support system through these hard times. Somehow, this is God’s plan, even if I don’t understand it yet.

I even joke about the trauma I’ve had—it’s one way I cope. Some people might think that’s odd, but then again, I’ve always been a little odd.

You Are Not Alone

It’s not easy to admit when you’ve had these kinds of thoughts. But I know I’m not the only one. Everyone has battles they don’t talk about.

I used to be an open book. I still am in some ways, but not as much as I once was. I’ve closed some windows of my life because I didn’t want to burden others with my struggles.

But here’s what I’ve learned: struggling doesn’t mean you’re alone.

I’ve joined Facebook groups for HS and PG, and I’ve been able to share insight with people who didn’t know where to start. It’s scary to start off alone—I know, I’ve been there. That’s why I don’t want anyone else to go through it alone. These groups are full of people who give love, advice, and support—and that makes such a difference.

God’s Grace in the Darkness

Struggling doesn’t mean God has given up on you. His plan for you is still in motion.

He already knows the curves, ups, and downs life will bring. Honestly, that comforts me. God wouldn’t have kept me here, after so many hardships, just to leave me on my own.

One of my favorite verses is:

“But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me.” — 1 Corinthians 15:10

This verse reminds me that I am who I am because of God—not the world, not myself. Everything I’ve experienced has purpose. There is always a reason, and there is always love and grace.

Holding on to HOPE

I’m not afraid to die because I know where I’m going. What I fear more is not living fully and walking in the plan God created for me.

I once saw a quote that said: "When God made you, He already factored in the stupidity and mistakes." That comforts me. Even when we wander away, God is there, waiting with open arms.

All the pain, all the worry, all the stress—it’s worth it if my story helps someone else keep going, or gives them hope.

• Has my faith been broken at times? Yes.

• Have I been weak and needed help? Yes.

• Have I lost hope sometimes? Yes. I am human. It happens.

But what I want others to know is: keep HOPE. "Hold On. Pain Ends."

Keep holding on to that little spark of light. It will grow brighter with time. Sometimes it will dim again, but don’t let it go out. Let it shine for yourself, and for others who may be looking to you for encouragement and hope.

You never know who is drawing strength from your perseverance.

Keep smiling. Stay golden. Love like Jesus. 

– Marcie E.